Giving Writers Helpful Feedback
2022-04-22
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1In recent weeks, we have received wonderful messages from our readers and listeners.
2These messages contain stories of happiness, sadness, and everything in between.
3One message we received was from Shahjahan.
4In this week's Everyday Grammar, we will use parts of Shahjahan's message to teach about introductions, closing statements, and how to talk about family and education.
5Here is part of the message.
6Hi there,
7This Is Shahjahan ....
8We are five brothers and three sisters among them I completed master degree in management in 2002 from National university in Bangladesh. ...
9When I was child, I had to face straggle with financially since father was poor/middle class farmer.
10My father had been passed away in June'2021.
11Now I have to bear my full family.
12Thank you so much to give me this opportunity to tell about my life.
13Shahjahan's introduction says:
14Hi there,
15This Is Shahjahan ....
16We recommend changing "Hi there" to "Hello" or even "Hi."
17"Hi there" is a friendly way of speaking or writing,
18but it is informal and generally not used when writing to an unknown person for the first time.
19In general, we say "This is + name" when we are talking on the phone or if we are introducing someone else.
20Since this is a different situation, we recommend changing this line to: "My name is Shahjahan."
21So, the introduction could be:
22Hello,
23My name is Shajahan.
24Let's listen again to a few more lines from Shahjahan:
25We are five brothers and three sisters among them I completed master degree in management in 2002 from National university in Bangladesh.
26We recommend breaking apart the sentence because it contains several ideas.
27It describes Shahjahan's family and also his studies.
28One way to make this information clearer is to discuss family in one sentence and education in another sentence.
29The sentence about family could use the structure "I have," as in
30I have four brothers and three sisters.
31The next sentence could describe Shahjahan's education:
32In 2002, I received a master's degree in management from National University in Bangladesh.
33Shahjahan then gives a little more information about his childhood:
34When I was child, I had to face straggle with financially since father was poor/middle class farmer.
35My father had been passed away in June'2021. Now I have to bear my full family.
36We recommend using the simple past verb form in these situations: "faced financial struggles" and "my father passed away."
37In the first example, you might use the simple past "I faced financial struggles" because it was a regular, repeated event in the past.
38 In the second example, you could say "my father passed away" because it was an event that took place at a single point in time.
39In addition, we recommend simply using the term "poor" instead of "poor/middle class."
40This is because people usually link financial struggles with the term "poor."
41The final sentence uses the verb "bear," but we recommend using the expression "take care of."
42So, Shahjahan's sentence could be updated to something like this:
43When I was a child, I faced financial struggles because my father was a poor farmer.
44My father passed away in June 2021. Now I take care of my whole family.
45Shahjahan ended his message on a kind note:
46Thank you so much to give me this opportunity to tell about my life.
47We recommend replacing the word "to" with "for" and "give" with "giving."
48The statement could be this:
49Thank you so much for giving me this opportunity to tell about my life.
50Now, here is Shajahan's message updated with our recommendations:
51Hello, my name is Shahjahan...I have four brothers and three sisters.
52In 2002, I received a master's degree in management from National University in Bangladesh...When I was a child, I faced financial struggles because my father was a poor farmer.
53My father passed away in June 2021.
54Now I take care of my whole family.
55Thank you so much for giving me this opportunity to tell about my life.
56We wish Shahjahan continued success in his English studies and in his career.
57We hope that all of our readers and listeners gained something from our feedback as well.
58If you would like your writing to receive feedback or suggestions, write us a short story (four to five sentences) about your life, your studies, or your interests.
59We will choose one piece of writing and give detailed suggestions in a future report.
60I'm John Russell.
1In recent weeks, we have received wonderful messages from our readers and listeners. These messages contain stories of happiness, sadness, and everything in between. 2One message we received was from Shahjahan. 3In this week's Everyday Grammar, we will use parts of Shahjahan's message to teach about introductions, closing statements, and how to talk about family and education. 4A message from Shahjahan 5Here is part of the message. 6Hi there, 7This Is Shahjahan .... We are five brothers and three sisters among them I completed master degree in management in 2002 from National university in Bangladesh. ...When I was child, I had to face straggle with financially since father was poor/middle class farmer. My father had been passed away in June'2021. Now I have to bear my full family. 8Thank you so much to give me this opportunity to tell about my life. 9Introduction 10Shahjahan's introduction says: 11Hi there, 12This Is Shahjahan .... 13We recommend changing "Hi there" to "Hello" or even "Hi." 14"Hi there" is a friendly way of speaking or writing, but it is informal and generally not used when writing to an unknown person for the first time. 15In general, we say "This is + name" when we are talking on the phone or if we are introducing someone else. 16Since this is a different situation, we recommend changing this line to: "My name is Shahjahan." 17So, the introduction could be: 18Hello, 19My name is Shajahan. 20Family and education 21Let's listen again to a few more lines from Shahjahan: 22We are five brothers and three sisters among them I completed master degree in management in 2002 from National university in Bangladesh. 23We recommend breaking apart the sentence because it contains several ideas. It describes Shahjahan's family and also his studies. One way to make this information clearer is to discuss family in one sentence and education in another sentence. The sentence about family could use the structure "I have," as in 24I have four brothers and three sisters. 25The next sentence could describe Shahjahan's education: 26In 2002, I received a master's degree in management from National University in Bangladesh. 27Shahjahan then gives a little more information about his childhood: 28When I was child, I had to face straggle with financially since father was poor/middle class farmer. My father had been passed away in June'2021. Now I have to bear my full family. 29We recommend using the simple past verb form in these situations: "faced financial struggles" and "my father passed away." 30In the first example, you might use the simple past "I faced financial struggles" because it was a regular, repeated event in the past. In the second example, you could say "my father passed away" because it was an event that took place at a single point in time. 31In addition, we recommend simply using the term "poor" instead of "poor/middle class." This is because people usually link financial struggles with the term "poor." 32The final sentence uses the verb "bear," but we recommend using the expression "take care of." 33So, Shahjahan's sentence could be updated to something like this: 34When I was a child, I faced financial struggles because my father was a poor farmer. My father passed away in June 2021. Now I take care of my whole family. 35Shahjahan ended his message on a kind note: 36Thank you so much to give me this opportunity to tell about my life. 37We recommend replacing the word "to" with "for" and "give" with "giving." 38The statement could be this: 39Thank you so much for giving me this opportunity to tell about my life. 40Now, here is Shajahan's message updated with our recommendations: 41Hello, my name is Shahjahan...I have four brothers and three sisters. In 2002, I received a master's degree in management from National University in Bangladesh...When I was a child, I faced financial struggles because my father was a poor farmer. My father passed away in June 2021. Now I take care of my whole family. 42Thank you so much for giving me this opportunity to tell about my life. 43Closing Thoughts 44We wish Shahjahan continued success in his English studies and in his career. 45We hope that all of our readers and listeners gained something from our feedback as well. 46If you would like your writing to receive feedback or suggestions, write us a short story (four to five sentences) about your life, your studies, or your interests. We will choose one piece of writing and give detailed suggestions in a future report. 47I'm John Russell. 48John Russell wrote this lesson for VOA Learning English. 49________________________________________________________________________ 50Words in This Story 51management - n. the act of managing : the conducting or supervising of something 52informal - adj. appropriate to ordinary, casual, or familiar use 53career -n. a job or profession that someone does for a long time 54feedback - n. the transmission of corrective information